Everyones Hunting/fishing/Trapping/Camping Jokes

[Bang4bucks]

How do you trap a bear?
You dig a hole ten feet deep and ten feet wide.
You fill the hole with ashes.
Then you put peas around the hole.
When the bear comes to eat the peas you kick him in the ash hole.

[RICHARDCatdaddy]

Aww come on,ya gotta do better than that.

[Bang4bucks]

Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?

[Bang4bucks]

Three hunters were lost in the jungle and were captured by natives they were about to be killed when they were all asked if they wanted one last thing before they were killed. the first man asked for a beer he got one drank it and was killed the native who killed him says he make good canoe cover. the next man said can i get a cig so he got one smoked it and was killed. the native says ah he also make good canoe cover . finally it was the last mans turn he asked for a fork he took it and stabbed himself all over his body filling himself with holes and says to the native youre not making canoe covers out of me!!

[Bang4bucks]

One day a young city boy decides that he is going to take up hunting, since he had nothing else to do with his money. He goes an buys a pick up truck and two hunting dogs. Goes to the country to hunt, when all of a sudden he spots some ducks flying over head. He takes his shot gun and shoots, he hits one and lets the dogs out. He chases after the dogs and they come to a farmers field, when the young man says " Excuse me sir, but that is my duck" The farmer says " no, my land, my duck. Tell you what sonny, lets settle this the country way, We kick each other in the balls, and who is left standing, gets to keep the duck. The city boy says "Allright" But the farmer says "I go first" The farmer kicks the young man in the balls, he lays on the ground for about five minutes. When he finally gets to his feet, he states "OK, my turn" The farmer says "Na, you can keep the duck."

[Bang4bucks]

One Sunday, a priest decided to skip church and go hunting in the nieghbooring forest. So while he was hunting he saw a gigantic grizzly bear that had stopped to get honey from a beehive. The priest thought the bear was good game, so he clumsily shot at it, and he missed. The bear, startled by the shot, jumped up and started charging at the priest. The priest used his only option: he dropped to his knees and prayed. "Dear God," he said, "Please let this bear be a good christian, a better one than I was." As the bear drew closer, it dropped to its knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal I am about to receive."

[Bang4bucks]

Buddy tells his friend that he and his new bird dog can basically talk to each other. Freinds says, "right, prove it." So Buddy points to some bushes and his dog runs over, sniffs around, then returns and barks six times. Buddy says, "there are six birds in those bushes." "Prove it", says his friend. Buddy takes a shot in the air and sure enough, six birds come flying out. "That's great", says the friend, "can I try that?" Sure says Buddy, so the friend points to some bushes and off goes the dog. This time the dog is gone for awhile. When he finally returns, he runs up to Buddy's freind and start humping his leg. "Get this crazy, faggot dog off me." The dog stops and picks up a stick in his mouth and starts the shake it back and forth. "You've got one crazy dog Buddy." "You and that dog can't talk." Sure we can. He's telling me that there are more birds in there than you could shake a stick at!

[Bang4bucks]

There was this guy that went bear huntning and seen a large bear by a clearing, he aimed and fired and the bear dropped. the hunter ran up to look for the bear and but wasnt there, about that time the bear came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and said "you have two choices, i can kill you and eat you or screw you for a while", the hunter didn't want to die so he let the bear have his way with him and left.
he was mad as hell went back the next day with a 7 mm mag and sure enough there was the bear in the same place. he took aim and fired and the bear dropped, he ran up to get the bear and there was no bear. the bear came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and said, "same deal as yesterday". so the hunter let the bear have his way with him again and he left madder than before. he wen't home and got a 300 winchester Mag and went back to the same place and sure enough there was the bear again. he took a really carefull aim and fired and the bear dropped and the hunter ran up again to get the bear and the bear wasn't there, the bear came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and sead "you ain't really into this for the hunting are you?".

[Bang4bucks]

Q:Why do women like hunters?

A:They go deep into the bush they shoot twice and they eat what they shoot.

[Bang4bucks]

Two men were hunting in the woods.One man tuned to the other and said "Wait here and if anything happens scream."

As the man walked out of the woods he heard his friend scream.So he ran back as fast as he could.


When he got to his friend he asked him what was wrong. His friend answered "Well first a deer thretened to buck me, but I didn't scream, then a bear thretened to claw mu face in, but I didn't scream, then two chipmunks ran up my pants leg and asked 'which nut shall we eat first?' Then I screamed!"

[Bang4bucks]

Two guys were out hunting and they got lost.

The first guy says to the second guy, "What do you think we should do?"


The second guy says, "Let's fire three shots into the air. It's the international distress code."


They fire three shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says to the second guy, "What do you think we should do now?"


The second guy says, "Let's fire three more shots into the air."


They fire three more shots into the air, wait an hour, and nobody comes. The first guy says, "What do you think we should do now?"


The second guy says, "Let's fire three more shots into the air."


The first guy says, "Well I sure hope someone comes soon, these are my last three arrows!".

[RICHARDCatdaddy]

me and my big mouth.

[Bang4bucks]

nobody has any other jokes????

[ducks~n~bucks]

reviving the post also I'm new to DHC.
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

[ducks~n~bucks]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

[ducks~n~bucks]

One day a game warden pulls up to a lake and sees a guy with a bucket filled with fish. The game warden asks the man, "may I see your fishing liscence sir?" The man responds, "Oh I don't need one. You see, these here are my pet fish. I put them in this bucket, take them to the lake then toss them in to exerscise. When they are done I whistle and the all hop in the bucket." "I've got to see this show me." The game warden says. So the man tosses the fish in the lake. After a minute the game warden asks "So where are the fish?" "What fish?" the man responds.

[ducks~n~bucks]

Morning: 1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings. 2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed. 2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup. 3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods. 3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun. 3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight. 4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent. 4:30 AM: Head for the woods. 6:05 AM: See eight deer. 6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger. 6:07 AM: CLICK. 6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill. 8:00 AM: Head back to camp. 9:00 AM: Still looking for camp. 10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

Afternoon: Fire gun for help---eat wild berries. 2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back. 2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach. 2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries. 2:45 PM: Rescued. 2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead. 3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp. 3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer. 4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets. 4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

Evening: 5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you. 6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing. 6:01 PM: Load gun. 6:02 PM: Fire gun. 6:03 PM: One dead pickup. 6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer. 6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners. 6:07 PM: Fall into fire. 6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire. 6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp. 6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block. 6:26 PM: Start walking. 6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud. 6:35 PM: Meet bear. 6:36 PM: Take aim. 6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud. 6:38 PM: Mess pants. 6:39 PM: Climb tree. 11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.