Writer Needs Advice

[L.Smith]

Sorry to interrupt the flow of your chat. I am a writer and am in need of some expertise, since I know absolutely NOTHING about guns.
What I am looking for is a description of a top-of-the-line hunting rifle, a description that you would give when trying to show off to a woman.
The scene would be you are sitting around with your guy friends drinking beer and maybe shooting cans and what not. A woman walks up, unbeknownst to you, she knows a hell of a lot more about guns then you ever would. She picks one up and you want to show off and at the same time put her in her place for even touching such a gun. I’m looking for redneck kind of arrogance. Would anyone want to take a stab at it and help me out?
Thanks

[Tenpoint]

I moved your post here because it is a new topic.

Well, to make your story realistic, you should know if it's a rifle or shotgun. The story might be better if they are skeet shooting or something, because rednecks that sit around shooting cans are not typically shooting a top of the line rifle.

Or if it is a rifle, perhaps the guys are sighting in their guns for the upcoming deer season (fall).

I'll see what I can come up with, and I'm sure some others will too.

Tenpoint

[Tenpoint]

Here's something maybe you can build on.

Redneck 1 "Carefull missy, don't hurt yourself. That gun's worth more than your boob job! You don't want to get knocked on your "but" by that .338"

Woman "Actually, with the new Inflex tecnology, the recoil is not too bad. Too bad you cheaped out on the synthetic stock and blued barrel. For a couple extra hundred bucks you could have got a nice grey laminate stoock and stainless barrel. You ain't too bright Billy, but you got one thing right. The gun is worth more than the boobs, 'cause these didn't cost me a nickle."

Redneck 2 (laughs and stares at boobs)
Redneck 1 (slaps redneck 2)

Tenpoint (I think I missed my calling)

[KwackWacker]

Here's something maybe you can build on.

Redneck 1 "Carefull missy, don't hurt yourself. That gun's worth more than your boob job! You don't want to get knocked on your "but" by that .338"

Woman "Actually, with the new Inflex tecnology, the recoil is not too bad. Too bad you cheaped out on the synthetic stock and blued barrel. For a couple extra hundred bucks you could have got a nice grey laminate stoock and stainless barrel. You ain't too bright Billy, but you got one thing right. The gun is worth more than the boobs, 'cause these didn't cost me a nickle."

Redneck 2 (laughs and stares at boobs)
Redneck 1 (slaps redneck 2)

Tenpoint (I think I missed my calling)

I'd buy that book. Especially if it came with pictures.....of the rifles you perverts.

What I am looking for is a description of a top-of-the-line hunting rifle, a description that you would give when trying to show off to a woman.

Start with something along these lines: a .30/06 built using a 98 Mauser action, sporterized of course. The face of the bolt would be ground square to ensure proper cartridge alignment. The barrel is obviously free floated and pillar bedded on a custom carved tiger walnut stock. And what rile wouldn't be complete without having a custom turned Jarret barrel, fitted and adjusted by Mr. Jarrett himself. The twist rate would have been adjusted from the common 1 in 16 to 1 in 14, adds a little more accuracy without sacrificing too much velocity. Let's not forget having a trigger job done by updating the trigger mechanism with modern mechanics and adjusted to a crisp 2.2 pound pull. As for the optics, we would go with something from Swarovski, say the PV-S, 6 x 24 x 50, those with knowledge of the scope would quicklt note the target turrets for quick windage and elevation adjustments. Of course this is all over kill for a hunting rifle but if you're dreaming, might as well dream big.

[paula14428]

you guys are funny

[L.Smith]

Wow! Thanks for the help. This is just what I was looking for. I guess you did miss your calling, Tenpoint. But leave it to a guy to go for the boob joke. Hehe I didn’t think to go the other way, having her school them, I like it!

KwackWacker I’m a screenwriter not a book writer so you would have visuals … of the rifles of course. (wink wink)

The guys are rednecks but it’s the sheriff and his group. They are guy guys and hunt and fish and all that. They are big hunters. They happen to be at a family type party and this is their way of getting away from the nonsense. So you think more skeet shooting or target shooting, maybe? I don’t know about the rifle or shotgun, what do you think? Is it more about preference? Do people tend to have both? Is it a money thing?

The back-story with the woman is that she used to be a hit man. Now she is living in this little town trying to renew herself. She finds a deer in the woods that has been shot and dieing, it has a baby. She kills the mother and takes in the baby. When she sees these guys with their guns she’s not too happy. So I really like the thought of having her rattle off something impressive. I like the detail that you guys gave. Excellent, thank you for that!

Maybe I can run the final product past you guys.

Well, I must get back to writing. Wrote for three hours yesterday, forgot to save my work, computer gave an error and shut me down. The scene that followed included a few curse words (ok, more than a few), a couple flying books and then some tears; and if there would have been ice cream, well that is a given.

Why am I tell you guys all of this? Because now I’m PROCRASTINATING!! Crap........

Have a great day!

[Tenpoint]

I put the boob line in just to be funny. I'm not sure if it fits your storyline. Run a draft by us and we'll do some quality asurance.

You could use either a rifle or shotgun in your story. Our suggestions were rifles because you mentiond rifle in your original message.

Cheers,
Tenpoint

[L.Smith]

Here is a rough draft. I thank you so much for the help!! Any comments would be wonderful. I marked two places where I need help.


EXT. WOODS - AFTERNOON

Carl, Roy, Tucker and two other men are sitting around drinking beer and target shooting cardboard cutouts of animals. The music from the party can be heard.

ROY
I hit two.

CARL
Roy, you ain’t even drunk enough yet to hit anything.

ROY
Bullsh*$. What do you call that hole in the side of Wally over there?

TUCKER
Nimrod, I did that while you was takin’ a leak.

Jenna approaches the men.

JENNA
Gentlemen.

The men look around wondering where she came from.

TUCKER
Little lost are we, honey?

JENNA
No, not really.

MAN ONE
You might want to run along. There’s no knitting out here.

The guys snicker, except for Tucker.

TUCKER
This ain’t really a place for girls. You might get hurt.

JENNA
By what, this .338?

She picks it up.

TUCKER
Careful, that thing could knock you on your pretty little @#$.

MAN ONE
I’d hunt that @#$ any day.

ROY
That gun probably costs more than her boob job.

JENNA
Actually, with the new Inflex technology, the recoil is not too bad. It’s a shame you cheaped out on the synthetic stock and blued barrel. For a couple extra hundred bucks you could have got a nice grey laminate stock and stainless barrel.

The guys look at each other dumbfounded. Jenna fires the gun (need help here, what do you do before firing the gun, is it called firing the gun) hitting the furthest target right between the eyes.

JENNA
I prefer a (need a discription here). But this will do.

She tosses the gun to Tucker.

JENNA
But you’re right Roy, because I didn’t pay a dime for these.

Jenna grabs her boobs then turns to leave, then stops.

JENNA
Oh, one more thing. The next time you morons go out to kill something, make sure you kill it.

The guys are speechless as they watch Jenna disappear into the woods.

[KwackWacker]

Change the rifle in your original story to a Winchester model 94 lever action .30/30, every self respecting redneck has one. You'll also need to take out the line about the inflex technology. I did a little editing, see below.

The guys look at each other dumbfounded. Jenna shoulders the rifle and squeezes off a round hitting the furthest target right between the eyes.

JENNA
These old lever actions might have won the west but I prefer a .338 bolt action. It's a shame really, you could have spent a couple of hundred bucks more and gotten one with the inflex technology which would have made the recoil a little more manageable for your tender shoulders boys.

She tosses the gun to Tucker.

[Tony204ing]

L.smith you have definatley got the wright two guys helping you out with your story.As far as the money thing goes.You would be suprised what even some of the poorest of the poor rednecks spend on a rifle.Everyone has heard about the guy whose car is worth more than his house.But i can think of a few guys who dont even have cars and thier rifle and scope combo costs more than 6 mnths rent on thier shack.

[Tenpoint]

.

She tosses the gun to Tucker.

If she is smart and responsible, she would not throw a gun with rounds still in it, even if there was not one in the chamber.

Maybe that line should read, " She empties the rounds from the magazine tube it onto the ground and tosses the gun to Tucker."

Otherwise, looks good to me.

Tenpoint

[KwackWacker]

.

She tosses the gun to Tucker.

If she is smart and responsible, she would not throw a gun with rounds still in it, even if there was not one in the chamber.

Maybe that line should read, " She empties the rounds from the magazine tube it onto the ground and tosses the gun to Tucker."

Otherwise, looks good to me.

Tenpoint

Good point, change it to this...

She does a back hand spring deathroll and drives the butt of the gun through Tucker's skull killing him instantly. Roy and Carl stare in amazement. She eyes her next victim which is the slack jawed Roy. Her eyes lock onto his as he realizes the deadly panther has chosen him as her next kill. He tries to run but fear has paralyzed that part of his brain. She's on him in an instant and has him in a a ninja death lock. He wimpers and dies before his head bounces off of the ground. Carl has gained some semblance of balance at this point and is starting to run for the woods. She takes three quick strides and has caught him by the nape of the neck. She wraps her hand around his throat with a quick yank is holding his esophagus in her hand. Carl emits a death gurgle and slumps to the ground. In a sultry voice she says "What do think of these boobs now?"


What?!?!? too much?

[L.Smith]

WOW, KwackWacker, I think it is you that missed your calling. You crack me up! Thank you for the laugh, needed it today.

[Tenpoint]

Priceless...Kwack in his usual good form. You must be feeling better buddy.

Tenpoint

[Tony204ing]

O.k.At first the whole story was sounding pretty familar.But holly cow did it take a turn.Like i always tell my buddies,teaching the old lady how to shoot is a bad thing cause one day it might back fire on you.I guess in georgia teaching her how to shoot is just the begining.Next is the advanced martial arts slash special ops class.You guys can keep that stuff down there Kwack.We dont want our women getting any ideas up hear.

[SuperJ1975]

Change the rifle in your original story to a Winchester model 94 lever action .30/30, every self respecting redneck has one.

This is so true.

[L.Smith]

okay, I really like this:

JENNA
By what, this .338?

TUCKER
Careful, that thing could knock you on your pretty little @#$.

JENNA
Actually, with the new Inflex technology, the recoil is not too bad. It’s a shame you cheaped out on the synthetic stock and blued barrel. For a couple extra hundred bucks you could have got a nice grey laminate stock and stainless barrel.



But I really like this too: For when she would say but I prefer a ... but this will do.

JENNA
These old lever actions might have won the west but I prefer a .338 bolt action. It's a shame really, you could have spent a couple of hundred bucks more and gotten one with the inflex technology which would have made the recoil a little more manageable for your tender shoulders boys.

But then I would have to change the first line to what,

Jenna
By what, this Winchester.

It doesn't have as nice of a ring to it as the other line.

What do you guys think?

[KwackWacker]

It has a nice ring if you know about guns.

[Tenpoint]

My only thought is that why would she prefer a .338? Maybe she has experience with sniper weapons? In which case she might prefer a different caliber.

Tenpoint

[L.Smith]

Hey, thank you guys very much for all your help, I really appriciate it!

[KwackWacker]

Glad to be of service.